by Sophia Abbey
Thanksgiving: the celebration of colonial powers through excessive eating, secret drinking, and political arguments. But don’t let this holiday turn into a horror movie for your memories, use this handy playlist to lighten the mood for any classic Thanksgiving problem!
- Your family goes too hard in front of your friends.
Thanksgiving is a glorified day rage. I know we’re all supposed to be thankful for people with clean fingernails and the Star Wars franchise, but let’s talk about what’s really important: Gin and Tonic. You spend the first half of the day avoiding grandma while you snort beer in the bathroom with your cousins, but by the second half, the fam will not care about the wine you hid in that capri sun. Why? They’re all way more fucked up than you. Grandma Muriel has been knocking back whiskeys during the entirety of the Turkey roast and right this second Aunt Vicki is throwing up Lime-a-Ritas in the bathroom. You can’t leave the house but stay calm. Just turn this house into a house party.
- Accidental High School Reunion
SOS: You told mom that you would accompany her to the grocery store, but when you’re groping tomatoes in the produce section, you see your worst nightmare. She has 932 instagram followers, she moisturizes twice a day and she owns more than 3 pairs of jeans. Your high school nemesis Brianna. She and the point guard Chad are still dating and hotter than ever. But you have ¾ of a liberal arts degree now! Flex on Brianna by pulling out your travel boombox and blasting this jam by Junglepussy.
- Your grandma tries to set you up with a nice Jewish boy.
“I’ve seen those schmucks you date, you need someone who will treat you like a lady, is socially liberal, and knows the words to Hava Nagila.” Although you protest, bubbeh hears none of it, and informs you that she is inviting him over for Shabatt. “Your looks aren’t getting any better from here, so you have to lock them down while you’re hot. That’s what I did with your grandpa.” Try to hide your horror, but when Elijah comes over, surprise the whole family by serenading him with the ultimate single girl anthem: “Nah” by Chippy Nonstop.
- The first thing your mom says when you walk in the house is, “Can’t you just wear something happy?”
Thanksgiving is here, the time for unsolicited opinions from your family regarding your life choices. But this year is going to be different. You’ve gone so far as the fourth page of results when you Google “how to be goth at Thanksgiving”, but your carefully laid out outfit won’t get past a mother’s careful eyes. She suggests the sweater she bought for you last year, but yellow knits will literally burn your skin, not just your eyes. Mom just doesn’t understand your goth lifestyle! But not all is lost, hit her with this track from Ty Segall and Mikal Cronin, and soon she’ll know that you wear black.
- The odds of rooming assignments are not in your favor.
You and Cynthia have been dating for 3 years now, but according to Grandpa “Only heathens allow the unwed to sleep together” so now you are stuck sharing a room with weird cousin Carl who likes to drink warm milk and talk about the Big Bang Theory. Lights out may be at 11, but you can still Facetime your boo on the other side of the house, Kiss Me Thru The Phone style. Put on your favorite track by Ray-J’s sister and lament together about your long distance love.
- Your boyfriend is in jail
So you pull up to the family ranch and the fam says “Where is Gary?” Well Gary is your boyfriend and Gary went to jail a couple months ago for a misdemeanor drug offense. Everyone is making a big hoopla about Gary being a bad influence but it was only a tiny bit of cocaine so what’s the big deal really? He’ll call you collect from behind bars after the meal and you’ll say you’re too full for phone sex, so it’s basically like he’s right there with you. If you know Gary is the one, don’t listen to your family; just listen to Akon.
7. No one ever said Thanksgiving was a no copay day.
Suddenly, you hear a blood-curdling scream coming from the kitchen. You run in to see Band-Aids strewn about the tile floor. Looks like your cousin nicked one of those important veins while chopping carrots. But everyone knows Thanksgiving doesn’t really start until the first gnarly knife accident or crying fit. At least now you don’t have to eat cousin Jenny’s disgusting Jello salad. Remind Jenny that there’s plenty she can do when she’s down a finger with this classic jam by Waka Flocka Flame.
8. Black Friday mobs scare you.
Sure your grandpa can’t wait for that T-Bar 4 burner grill with front storage to go on 60% off, but you have a sense of self-preservation. You don’t want to go to Kohl’s, only to be torn limb from limb over one of those magic bullet things. But never fear! Before you enter the mob this year, think of Christina Aguilera’s “Fighter”, which was most definitely about elbowing an innocent bystander in the head because you NEED those capris on sale.
9. Your mom tries to inseminate you with a turkey baster.
You finally broke the news to your mom that you don’t want kids and she is not having it. She insists that you’re the only hope to pass on the family name. Using the opportunity of food preparation at Thanksgiving, she grabs the turkey baster and the sample of sperm from the Harvard grad/Olympic figure skater. But now you have a chance to work off all those mashed potatoes at dinner. Just run away from your mom until menopause!