by Sophia Abbey
Every year many families across America gather together to celebrate the colonization of someone else’s land. Grandparents love this opportunity to smother you with hugs, love, and cookies. But for you, this is a treacherous maze of crazy family members, stress-filled cooking, and awkward, awkward, very awkward questions. Here is your musical guide to any and every moment that you wish you could rewind.
1. How to tell your family you used to be a drug dealer.
You got arrested that one time for possession of under one ounce of marijuana and your sister found out. After her fourth glass of boxed wine, her resentment of you, the golden child, comes to a breaking point. Across the table she yells, “WELL GRANDMA, AT LEAST I’M NOT A POTHEAD LOSER LIKE KEVIN OVER HERE!!” Don’t panic Kevin. Instead, start blasting the hit song “I Don’t Sell Molly No More” to ensure that your family knows that you’re done with the drugs.
2. How to tell your family you’re a flaming homosexual
They’ve all suspected it for some time now. The short hair, the infiltration of menswear into your closet, and the girl that you took to your high school prom. But you can’t leave them unsure for much longer. Play this on your family’s boombox while prancing around the house shouting “GAY. GAY. GAY. GAY. I AM GAY.” Hopefully they get the message.
3. For when Great Aunt Peggy refers to Asia as “the Orient”
So your family is racist. You try not to bring up Mike Brown at the dinner table, but when they tell the story of Thanksgiving it makes you want to oh-my-gosh literally vomit. But instead of committing seppuku at the dinner table or handing them a copy of Howard Zinn’s “A People’s History of the United States,” put on Lil B’s “No Black Person is Ugly” and drop your microphone.
4. For when you’re convincing your conservative grandfather that climate change is real.
Your peers get it. We get it. Everyone in your year has seen Al Gore’s “An Inconvenient Truth” and so have we. But grandad just won’t give up the dream. He cites the recent snowstorm in New York as reason that the earth is not, in fact, getting hotter. You better give up this argument. Instead, opt for a karaoke battle to settle the score. Your song? Nelly’s “Hot In Herre.”
5. Song to convince your family that a BFA in “Comedy Writing and Performance” or “Post Modern Archaeology” is a valuable major to have.
Your family doesn’t think that your favorite class, “Sexuality of Sea Turtles in the Gulf of Mexico” will get you a job. But they don’t understand you. You’re a special flower and you need special classes for your special interests. Just because you aren’t majoring in math or science doesn’t mean you failed, it just means you’re different. Like 2 Chainz.
6. You’re too faded at the dinner table.
OH NO. The room has started spinning! Why is this happening? You and your cousin only took 5 lines of oxycotin in the bathroom. When did it go so wrong? Was it that second bottle of whiskey your step-grandfather opened? Maybe. But more likely it was the copious amounts of marijuana you smoked in the basement. Everyone knows you’re lit. Just jam out to Kembe X to drown out the sounds of your family yelling at you for getting cough syrup on the tablecloth.
7. What to play when you’re stuck at the kid’s table.
Who put you here? It doesn’t matter, you’re now stuck with a bunch of screaming, snotty, gross kids to look after. Now it’s your job to endure hearing about Jimmy’s super cool salamander that he brought to show and tell on Monday while Kimberly won’t stop pulling your hair. No alcohol around here so just pull out some trusted Chief Keef.
8. And finally, songs to give thanks to.
There’s this myth floating around that there is no such thing as “Thanksgiving song.” I respectfully disagree. Next time you gather around the table to hold hands and give thanks, start singing your favorite Britney Spears song. Every single Britney song is something to be thankful for, but pick the one you most identify with for optimal thankfulness (“Piece of Me” obviously.)